I was driving down the road with my thumb throbbing. So Eli woudn't accidentally bang a door shut on his hand, I made the split-second decision to let it bang shut on mine instead. This was after he had been in "major delay mode" since before breakfast; every little step preparing to leave the house took three times longer than necessary. Just before getting in the car, I checked my email and found a work message dumping on me yet another oversized slice of what was supposed to be a collaborative project. Then I realized I forgot the umbrella and big, fat drops were starting to hit the windshield. Most of all, I was sleep deprived.
"I'm going to yell," I told Eli. "Cover your ears." There was complete silence from the back seat, so at the stop sign I glanced over my shoulder at him. He looked perplexed and a little worried.
"Remember your library book about Sophie who got angry and roared a 'red, red roar'?" When Eli nodded, I said, "It's my turn. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I need a red, red roar, so cover your ears." He complied with wide eyes and then I let loose. It was red, red and it certainly was a roar. Loud. Satisfying.
I instantly felt better, more peaceful and more myself. Eli started to giggle.
A couple of weeks before, we discovered children's author Molly Bang and her book, When Sophie Gets Angry...Really, Really Angry (NY: Blue Sky Press, 1999.) Eli loved it. In a nutshell, poor Sophie gets frustrated with her sister, yells, runs outside to climb a tree, and later returns to the house when she is feeling peaceful again. The story isn't long on plot and even if Sophie isn't the most likable of characters, it includes vivid details to help a reader empathize. I found the book helpful for discussing anger with Eli -- how to get mad and let others know you are mad without damaging things, hurting people's feelings, or doing anything unsafe. (Some of the things in the book I agree with while others I don't, but it was helpful for starting a conversation with Eli.) Ever since reading the story, Eli will sometimes watch other kids flipping out at the park or on playdates and then say to me, "Mama, they made a red, red roar!"
Then came that day in the car. My frustration had been building all morning and being overtired made it hard for me to roll with the punches. I felt a rush of gratitude for Molly Bang. Thanks to that book, I felt sure I could safely vent and Eli would understand. Ever since, we've periodically used the red, red roar. It does, however, come with some house rules that I discussed with Eli. It is important to warn others first. We don't want to startle others or make someone think we are in danger. It is also private -- something we only do in our home/car by ourselves or around beloved folks who understand what we're doing. And we yell towards the ceiling at everything rather than at someone in particular. Thus it is a civilized roar of sorts. I know there are some who would be shocked, but it works for us on the rare occasions that we're really getting at the end of our rope.
It isn't the perfect solution to every anger situation. I think if Eli and I were locking horns on some specific problem and then started roaring, it would feel too focused. Nor do I want to teach him that being vocal is the only way to work through anger. Personally, I think the red, red roar works best as a last-ditch vent when there are a handful of nettlesome things from various directions. So sometimes if Eli is in Neverending Fuss Mode, I suggest a red, red roar to him so he can just get it over with. At first he came out with little pipsqueak yelps. But his efforts are getting redder. I think before too long he'll find his true roar. Regardless of the volume, however, I see a look of relief come into Eli's eyes. Isn't it a gift when someone truly sees our frustration and lets us have it for a moment rather than trying to instantly solve it or explain it away?
I don't know how long the red, red roar will work for us. And there are so many different situations, so many different kinds of anger. Mama and papa friends, I'd love to know how you help your kids understand and manage their anger of various types. And how do you safely show your anger in family situations?
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