Moving with a Kiddo
California is the only home Eli has ever known and, at three and a half years old, he's reached an age where he really enjoys his friends -- he "met" many of them when he was just a few weeks old. He's also used to glorious summer weather and 1,001 interesting things places to explore from beaches to city museums to amusement parks. A small town in North Georgia is going to be a big change. We're trying to be proactive about making this a positive transition for our son. I sought out some mothers I know who have moved with preschoolers and peppered them with questions. I found some good information online. And this book has been both helpful and comforting...
Once I collected information, it was my job to sort through it and figure out what was right for our situation, our family, our child. No easy task.
The first thing I realized is that there is a fine line between giving the topic of moving adequate attention and giving it too much attention. Moving involves grief, so I tapped into my experiences losing my parents and the moves I've made in the past. I also went back to the training I received as a hospice volunteer. Grief can be overwhelming, so you have to "breathe." In other words, it helps to alternately focus on the loss and then let the loss completely go for a while. As the move approached, we gave Eli information periodically. At one point when Eli started to get upset about moving, Brian and I realized we should take a break from talking about it when he's around. I also emailed all my closest friends and asked them not to mention the move in Eli's presence unless he brought it up. After a week or so of no discussion about the move, Eli started bringing it up again but with less frustration.
We found a balance that seemed to work for letting Eli know about the move. But there were still so many details in getting a kid ready..
I've never seen it "spelled out" like this anywhere, but I've come to feel there are three parts to making this change a peaceful and productive one for Eli. The first is helping him with closure in his life here. The second is helping him understand what the transition will be like. The third is helping him see the good things about his new life in Georgia.
1. Closure -- Eli and I talked about goodbyes and how they may make a person feel. We worked on a list of people we wanted to see for goodbyes, but also places and things. It feels kinda weird to drive up to a playground, get out, and then say, "Goodbye, playground! We enjoyed you and will miss you!" but we've done it. Since I'm not working and Eli is out of school, we're probably doing more goodbyes than we would otherwise, but we're trying not to go overboard. These gestures do seem to help. Eli will talk about a person or place quite a bit but then seems cheerful and drops the topic after an official goodbye. We've also been making collages and other photo projects for dear friends as well as for neighborly people from our lives here. (Click HERE for a post about our collages.)
2. Understanding Moving -- We found a handful of picture books about moving that Eli enjoys reading. We were then able to discuss how the experience is alike/different for characters from book to book as well as how our move is alike/different. Picture books helped Eli with the transition to preschool, and I do think they have been super helpful with the move too. I surfed Amazon reviews before purchasing. I wanted books that addressed the characters' feelings but that didn't focus on fears and loneliness.
Some details about our favorite moving book follows below. The others are also good, but fairly similar. One thing I wish were different... Every single darned book shows new neighbors instantly showing up in welcome and they always bring a cake! I've tried to warn Eli that it will be hot when we get there so people won't be outside much and that we may have to take it upon ourselves to get to know our neighbors. And in all the moves I've made, nobody has ever brought over a cake, so I've stressed that to him too. (Hmmm. Three year-olds are notorious for getting stick on details. Should I buy a cake and leave it on our new doorstep for him to discover?!)
A. Big Ernie's New Home: A Story for Kids Who are Moving by Teresa Martin is our favorite. One nice detail is that the characters are moving away from San Francisco, so Eli knows first-hand some of the things Ernie will miss. Also, the characters move to another state. So many children's books are about local moves. I think the real genius of this book, however, is that Ernie is a cat! Ernie is worried and hesitant, but the little boy who owns him, Henry, is competent and helpful. Thus Eli can identify with both!
B. The Berenstain Bears' Moving Day by Stan and Jan Berenstain
C. We're Moving by Heather Maisner
D. Moving House by Anne Civardi
E. The Night Before Summer Vacation by Natasha Wing. We are vacationing while heading to our new home, so this book is helpful about the chaos and excitement of getting ready for a road trip. (Several sources have pointed out that extended vacationing on the trip between homes can help ease the transition for kids, especially young ones where it sort of serves to "erase the memory banks" of former routines.)
3. Picturing a New Life -- We always told Eli that California was temporary and would move home to Georgia. When we visited Georgia, we talked about moving there someday. The problem is that it has been a year and a half since his last visit -- almost half his lifetime ago! Thus we've been looking at photo albums and video clips of his Georgia family as well as his visits there. I've been online, looking up YouTube videos and pictures so Eli can see some of the neat things about our new town and state. We also ordered some picture books about Georgia. Most state-related books are for older kids, but the Good Night Our World series is for preschoolers. The books visit important landmarks, historical spots, and cultural details page by page. Now Eli knows about ZooAtlanta, Stone Mountain, peach orchards, and other aspects of our new lives.
Family is the main reason we're moving back to Georgia, even though it means leaving behind some dear California family in the process. (Brian's brother and his family live about an hour south of our California home.) Eli will have uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents living close by once we get settled. I also have longtime friends (and their parents) who live in the area and are eager to embrace Eli. The hard part, though, is that there aren't any kids in the family Eli's age. Thus I put the word out at Eli's new preschool, a local mothers' group, and Facebook that I was looking for penpals for Eli.
Through the kindness of one of my former high school teachers, we found Wyatt and Kody. Eli falls between the brothers age-wise and they live just a few minutes from the house we are renting. Their mother, Kristine, has done a wonderful job helping her boys send Eli cards decorated with handprints, stickers, and kiddo scribbles. She sent two batches of photos of the boys too, which we posted in our house at Eli's eye-level. Eli talks about Wyatt and Kody often, and can't wait to go play in their backyard wading pool (seen in the photos). He loves picking out postcards and photos to send in return. We'll be sending the boys postcards from our homeward travels too.
We've never met Kristine yet her efforts have truly helped Eli make a more positive transition to Georgia. That puts an even more positive spin on this move for Brian and me too. We feel so grateful.
I'm thankful to see that the steps we've taken to make this move easier for Eli seem to be working. After a bit of bumpiness a few months ago, he is now excited about the move. We list a few daily blessings every night as part of our bedtime routine and Eli often says he is thankful for Georgia, Wyatt, and Kody. In these final days in California, he is cheerful and happy all day even with all the moving chaos.
BUT...
This post wouldn't be truthful and complete if I didn't write about our nights. They have become exhausting and chaotic. A few weeks ago Eli started crying out after bedtime. For most of Eli's life, we've been able to kiss him goodnight and won't hear a peep from him for eleven hours. Earlier this month, his cryouts escalated to him getting up many times, finally coming to sleep in our bed in the middle of the night. He's so tired by this point and so emotional, that just being firm isn't the cure. Now we are at the point where he won't sleep unless we are with him. Even as a baby, Eli didn't like to sleep in our bed, so this is quite new for all of us. We're all sleeping poorly. It also makes it difficult for Brian and I to have relaxing, rejuvenating down time in the evening.
If anybody has ideas, we're all ears! We've tried adjusting bedtimes and naptimes. We've tried getting extra exercise and fresh air during the day. Eli eats healthy and sugary treats are few. The hours leading to bedtime are almost always peaceful and Eli's bedtime routine includes a massage, calm books, lullabies, and lots of affection. We're at a loss for what else to try.
As much as we'd like to completely solve Eli's nighttime problems right now, from the reasearch I've done, I know that this is normal and will pass. It seems like sleep disruption and potty training regression are the two "norms" for preschoolers who move. At least we only have one of the two (so far)! So we'll keep adjusting until we find a livable solution, but we've got to be realistic. We know Eli simply needs to show his feelings and work through the transition. We're pouring on the love and affection (even if quite often we're gritting our teeth too).
Many thanks to many of you for information and support!
UPDATE: We had a wonderful almost-month-long trip across country and Eli settled well into his new life in Georgia. We finally discovered that during the transition period (about two weeks before the move, the road trip, and about six weeks after), it was just better for the whole family to let Eli sleep in our bed. To preserve our sanity, Brian and I took turns sleeping in the guest room while the othe parent slept in the big bed with Eli. Our blow-up bed rail placed between Eli and parent wasn't popular with Little Guy, yet it helped the parent sleeping with him get good sleep without lots of accidental kicking. After we had been in Georgia close to two months, we transitioned Eli back into staying in his own bed all night. We did this by talking to him about it about a week in advance, letting him know the change would be coming. It went surprisingly well. Now Eli only sleeps in our bed if he's had a bad dream. He goes to bed easily and happily stays in his own bed all night. The one difference between here and California, though, is that Eli's room is right off our den and yet he still will not fall asleep if the door is closed. Thus we have to use a sound machine in his room and dim the lights in the den during evening hours. But that's certainly workable.
Click HERE for a post about our long road trip with a 3.5 year-old and our sleep solutions.
Awesome post, Valerie! You are such a great mom! I'm going to keep some of these tips in mind the next time we're transferred. My middle son lived in 4 places by the time he was 18 months old, and we moved so frequently that it wasn't a big deal for him or his big brother, although it was stressful for me. Now we've been here for almost 4 years and I suspect a different reaction from all three children the next time around! I'm sure your tips will come in very handy for us. I hope the rest of your move goes smoothly and that you are all three so happy in your new home!
Posted by: Katy | 25 July 2012 at 02:37 PM
It is so hard moving with little ones! My boys had similar sleep problems during our move. We ended just sleeping with them in our bed while we were moving & staying in hotels, etc. Not the best sleep for sure, but the less anxiety-ridden for all of us! When we got to the new place, they slept on their own in their new room (to not start bad habits!) but we told them they could come find us in our room whenever they wanted. I'm so amazed at the preparation and transitioning you've done with Eli. So many wonderful ideas to help him say goodbye & to find his place in the new home.
Posted by: Amber | 30 July 2012 at 10:21 PM