Gramps and Nana

 

My parents were lovely, warm people.  Watching them die was awful, but being without them has been a whole other challenge.  I was in my early twenties when I said goodbye, so there have been thousands of changes they never saw unfold and thousands of journeys big and small that they never shared.  They witnessed the first steps of my career path, but not the curves or successes.  They didn't get the chance to meet my husband or see me on my wedding day.  They never laid eyes on my child or held him in their arms.

I want my parents to still be a part of my world.  We have photos of them up in our house.  I cook the favorite recipes of my childhood so these dishes are also familiar and comforting to my son.  I sing to Eli the songs my parents sang to me.  I also tell him lots of stories about his maternal grandparents.  

I found, though, that I tripped over my words whenever I tried to explain to Eli his connection to these pictures, foods, songs, and stories.  It was up to me to help my child distinguish an invisible set of grandparents from my in-laws, the living grandparents he knows firsthand.  Yet when I added my maiden name at the end of "Grandpa" and "Grandma" for clarification, it just complicated things more. Those were the names I knew my paternal grandparents by.  My grandparents were important and beloved figures in my life.  I knew them longer than I knew my parents, and I want to share them with Eli as well.  Complicated.  I kept starting into a story only to digress and fumble: "I'm not talking about Granddad, your papa's dad, or my grandfather, but your grandpa that you didn't get to meet..."

Recently I decided that the verbal tangle was ridiculous.  Southern families usually give pet names to grandparents anyway, so I gave it some thought.  What nicknames would my parents have liked?  I told Eli, "From now on, my father is Gramps and my mother is Nana."  Eli nodded solemnly.  As I spoke, it didn't escape me that for first time in over two decades I used present tense language while discussing my parents.

The first time I told a story about Gramps and Nana, I got a little teary as I stopped to remind Eli about the nicknames.  "I know who they are," Eli said.  "They are my grandparents."  And then I got very teary.  It was the first time he seemed possessive towards them.  A connection grew stronger because a name, especially a warm nickname, removes a layer of distance and formality.  Death is a barrier enough for getting to know the generations before you.  Erasing a little bit of barrier felt like a gift to my child, to my parents, and to myself.

I feel sure Gramps and Nana would approve.

 

 

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Comments

[Norma McCoy]

Val, What a way to explain! I've said it before and really care not that I repeat myself.....you are truly amazing. Can't help but feel you are who you are today because of those precious parents and grandparents. They not only would be proud of you, they ARE proud!!! Guess what! I am also!!

[Valerie J. Frey]

Norma, thank you so much. I love hearing that.

[Lisa Lee]

I love this. Your parents were wonderful people, and you and Eli do them proud! The giving them their special names idea is perfect.

[Valerie J. Frey]

Thanks, Lisa!