JourneyLeaf: Life a Page at a Time

Bye Bye, Binkies

By the time Eli and I made it from the OR where he was born to our room upstairs in the hospital, he had a binky in his mouth.  I was pretty out of it after 24 hours of labor and an unexpected C-section, so I honestly don't remember if anybody asked us if we wanted one for him or if they just poked it in.  I instantly decided it didn't matter.  He'd had a long, hard journey and was oh-so-content slurping on that thing.  I've come across a lot of moms who disdain pacifiers -- some are downright snobby about them, as a matter of fact -- but a binky seemed one of the few things my easygoing infant showed a strong preference for.  Binkies worked great for our family.

How much did Eli love his binky?  Here's some proof from age six weeks:

 

 

 

Binkies became a regular feature in our household (and the topic of more than one amused blog entry).  With some work, we reduced binky use after Eli's first year so he'd learn to talk well and be able to be social without it.  Soon binkies were just for bed, car, and stroller.  Then just bed and car.  Finally, they were just for bed.  Eli's pediatric dentist said not to worry about getting him off of them completely for the time being.  They shifted Eli's front teeth slightly but the effect wasn't enough to worry about and binky-love would keep Eli from switching to his thumb.  You can take away a binky, but you can't take away a thumb!

We settled for trying to downplay the binky.  When I checked on Eli before I went to bed, I'd carefully pry the binky out of his mouth and leave it next to him so he'd get used to the sensation of sleeping without it.  I'd also put the binky on the far side of his mattress at nap time, suggesting that he try to sleep without it unless he really needed it.  (He always had it in his mouth when I went to get him.)  And we discussed the fact that binkies are for babies, that the adults and big kids don't use them, that the day was coming when he wouldn't need them anymore.

That was our holding pattern.  Alas, however, Eli had an accident several weeks ago that knocked loose one of his front teeth as well as the tooth beside it.  Sucking on a binky twelve hours a night plus another two and a half hours at nap was putting vacuum pressure on those healing teeth.  His front tooth also rested against the silicone, putting pressure on the tooth's roots.  Time to give the binky the permanent heave ho.

 

There are lots of methods for kicking the pacifier habit.  After reading some articles about it, I tried slicing the tip of one binky so it wasn't nicely bulb-shaped anymore.  Some kids will lose interest in pacifier this way, especially if you keep slicing off more every day or two so the kid is just left with a nub.  Eli, however, was horrified.  He seemed to regard the mutilated binky the way an adult would react if a finger was spontanteously amputated.

Another ploy is to tie the binkies to helium balloons and send them up to the "Binky Fairy" who will then leave the child a gift the next morning.  Cute, but we live too near the bay and ocean to risk hurting a sea animal.  (Sea lions and other creatures often mistake floating balloons for jellyfish and will eat them.)  Anyway, the straight story seemed best for us.  We did, however, tell Eli that he could pass his binkies on to little babies who might need them.  Sterilized binkies in good shape can in fact be reused, but I wasn't able to find any takers.  Regardless, Eli really latched on to this idea.  He wanted to know if we could wrap the binkies up.  He said we needed to put rainbows on top.  So I asked a couple of friends -- one with an infant and one with a baby on the way -- if they would accept the binkies from Eli.  They were happy to support us.  Aren't good parenting friends grand?!

Brian and I gave Eli three days to get used to the idea and helped him count down to his last binky nap.  He woke up excited about decorating the binky gift boxes.

  

 

Sniff!  Just looking at the boxes made me proud.  Little boy courage with a rainbow ribbon on the top.

 

The one glitch in our binky give-away plan was that we quit the binky on Friday night so there would be a weekend to catch up on sleep if there were long and loud protests, but we wouldn't see our friends to give away the binkies until early the next week.  I enlisted the help of a neighbor mama friend who kindly agreed to hold the binkies for us.  After we were done decorating the boxes, we carried them to her house.  She even gave Eli some animal crackers to celebrate!  And after we left, she put the binkies on the porch for Brian to pick back up.  As far as Eli knew, though, we had no binkies in the house.  We figured that would help him settle better.

At bedtime, Brian and I held our breaths.  We put Eli down, kissed him, tiptoed away.  No wimpering.  We tiptoed down the stairs.  No howl.  We settled ourselves in the living room and turned on the baby monitor.  Not a peep.  And that was that!

I was stunned.  I was so sure it was going to be a big battle and I know some mamas who said from experience that we'd be in for about a month of poor sleep.  I still feel deeply grateful.

A few days after that last binky nap, Eli was very excited about giving his binkies away.  I tried carrying the decorated boxes in a plain brown bag, but Eli insisted on carrying them himself.

After the fun of getting to carry them down the sidewalk, giving them away actually seemed to be anticlimactic.  Eli just slung each box over into waiting hands and went off to play.  But over a week later, he still repeats the words those parents said to him as they took the boxes.  It soaked in.

Thanks very much, Sherri, for keeping the binkies safe for us at your house.  Thanks, too, to Baby Louisa (with Papa Maynard) and beautiful unborn lump (with Mama Sara) who accepted the binkies with such grace, helping Eli be proud of himself.  

Looking back, the whole thing was funny.  I was so sure it was going to be a painful struggle, but it was so easy.  As Baz Luhrman said...

"Don't worry about the future.  Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.  The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that never crossed your mind, the kind that blindside you at 4PM on some idle Tuesday."

Supermom: Of Sailing Ships and Cheese Bunnies

During graduate school I started working for the same public library that I visited with excitement and affection all through my growing up years.  One day during my lunch hour, I went on a mission.  There was one children's book that I deeply loved in my younger years yet could recall neither title nor author.  So even though I knew it was a long shot after all those years, I started at "A" and went though shelf after shelf of picture books.  Unbelievably... thankfully... I struck gold in the "H" section.  There was the familiar, beloved cover art of Irene Haas' book, The Maggie B.  

I didn't remember why I loved the book, so the quest was a little bit about trying to touch base with who I used to be.  Psychologist Carl Jung felt that we long remember certain childhood experiences because they resonate with our most authentic selves, with who we are meant to be.  As an adult reading The Maggie B, it was so obvious that I had to laugh.  Heroine Margaret Barnstable wished on a star at bedtime and woke up with the sort of life I want most.  

The Maggie B is Margaret's ship.  It has a farm on the deck including a goat for milk, chickens for eggs, vegetables, and fruit trees.  Down below, she has her own cozy kitchen and sleeping quarters.  She has her baby brother for company and her day goes by in "a joyful hustle-bustle."  Margaret sings and goes fishing and cooks and plays with the baby.  She even takes time to be creative, setting up an easel so she can paint.  Later, she plays the violin.  A big storm comes up towards evening, but she valiantly takes care of the sails then goes below knowing she's made her ship secure.  While the rain lashes above, she's baking peaches with cinnamon and honey.  

What a story!  The ocean is huge and wild, but the setting is pared down to one sturdy boat.  Margaret is off on adventures, yet she has her snug home, animal and human companions, and nature with her.  She is competent when danger comes.  But I think what I loved most of all about the story is that Margaret took joy in her everyday tasks.  Sweeping, washing dishes, and (above all) cooking are peaceful, happy, wide-awake undertakings.  Margaret is organized, proficient, but also definitely mindful.

 

Flash foward a few years.  (Okay.  Quite a few years.)   I have my own home, my own kitchen, my own child.  Yes, we're living in a rental house due to short term assignment and I'm often suffering from "mama brain" due to being tired, yet I have many days that feel decidedly Maggie B-ish.  Despite the double handful of crazy and frustrating things about being a mom to a toddler, I'm really happy not just because it is worthwhile, but also because it suits me.  And the days when I'm the happiest are the ones when I slow down to mindfully do household tasks and childcare while still leaving some room for creativity in one form or another.  Thank you, Margaret.   

Because I have a big Margaret Barnstable affinity, I worked at a daycare for a while in college and even took turns being their substitute breakfast and lunch cook.  I got both a bachelor's and master's in Art Education, specializing in K-5.  I moved on to a career in archives but soon was serving as Education Coordinator for the state archives.  I spent as much time as I could with my ten nieces and nephews, even baking goofy, elaborate birthday cakes whenever I could.  

To me, it was no stretch at all to put in extra effort when it was my turn to bring snack for my son's playgroup.  It was near Easter, so I got cute napkins and cups.  I heard the tip that coffee filters make great kiddo snack containers, so I brought those to hold the strawberries.  I found whole wheat mini bunny-shaped crackers.  Then I dipped into my admittedly huge cookie cutter collection to cut bunny shapes out of sliced cheese, adding raisins for the eyes and nose.  Shopping took a little longer because I made sure all the snacks were organic and healthy.  But it was fairly quick and easy as well as fun.

 

"Ugh.  You raised the bar, Supermom," one of the other mothers said sarcastically.  The edge to her voice sounded genuine.  Her kid was bouncing in his seat with excitement over his cheese bunny, but she was worried about having to make more effort when it was her turn.  "Kids are happy with anything edible," I said lightly.  But there's part of me that wishes I would have said...

Margaret Barnstable would have understood.  I didn't make cheese bunnies or buy fun napkins to make anybody feel bad or to compete.  I did those things because it makes my kid and your kid happy.  In addition, it makes me happy, brings creativity and aesthetics into family life, turns a chore into something enjoyable. Little touches make each day special.  Little touches help me to be who I was meant to be, even with all my failings and my stumbles.

There's nothing wrong with finding snacktime and cute napkins boring.  And lots of moms -- especially working moms or moms with more than one kid -- are too busy to put priority in the details.  No problem.  Loving and supporting your kids are the basics while fun snacktime is just a detail.  You have other gifts to give, other talents to share.  I stink at math and maybe you're naturally set to help turn your child into a math whiz.  Maybe you can share the gift of music, help your child be bilingual, or teach them to grow up into a financial mastermind -- things I can't do.  Maybe you're not that great with wee kids but will hit your stride when these kids are teenagers and I'm pulling my hair out.  Motherhood is for the rest of your life, so you'll get your chance to hit your stride, bless you.  Please.  Sit back, clam up, and let your kid enjoy the cheese bunnies!

 

 

This video about "mompetition" cracks me up...

 

Please, PLEASE Eat Your Veggies

(This post #1 of 3 about getting kids to eat their veggies.  Links to the other two are at the bottom.)

When Eli was a wee chap, he'd eat anything you put on his spoon.  Then one day I gave him some farmer's market organic squash and he literally shivered before ejecting it with his tongue.  Huh?   Not long after, I made the pureed spinach Eli had been happily eating for months and suddenly he shoved it away.  The bowl rolled on its side, toppling into Eli's lap.  It was the beginning of a strained friendship between spinach and Eli for quite a while.

As babyhood gave way to toddlerhood, Eli showed a preference for carbohydrates -- the more processed the better.  When it came to produce, fruit was a clear favorite over veggies.  It never got to the point where Little Guy flat out refused contact with veggies, but they were often left behind on his plate and there were times when he would have liked to have them completely out of his view.  Suddenly I realized how and why that downward spiral happens....  If you consistently give in to tot whims, chances are the next time you turn around your child will ONLY eat from the Four Tot Food Groups -- mac n' cheese/pasta, bread/crackers, fried, and hot dogs.

I've long enjoyed reading about nutrition and I know veggies matter.  If we go without one of the macronutrients (protein, fats, carbohydrates) for very long, our bodies don't have the building blocks we need for various processes and we get sick.  A lack of micronutrients (vitamins and minerals) takes a little longer to show up, but eventually the human body succumbs to rickets, beriberi, scurvy, etc.  Now research is showing that trace nutrients (phytochemicals such as lycopene) in fruits and vegetables are vital in fighting off damage from free radicals in the body.  We need those antioxidants to help fight off cancer and other diseases.  

Eli's body needs the macro, micro, and trace nutrients now when his body is growing and developing so quickly, yet I also want to make sure he develops a habit and taste for healthy food for a lifetime.  There is some evidence that our tastes are largely developed in our early years, that it takes a lot of effort to later expand preferences.  Since I still have so much influence over Eli (including picking a Waldorf-inspired preschool that only serves healthy foods), it feels important to me to hold the line and be careful while my child is still small.  Yes, occasional treats.  Yes, a casual rather combative attitude towards junk food.  But at this age it is still relatively easy to steer Eli towards healthy fare.

Our pediatrician recommended How to Get Your Child to Eat But Not Too Much by Ellyn Satter.  It's been a huge help for making sure meal times are pleasant and low-pressure.  Basically, it is my job to make healthy food available and Eli's job to decide when and how much to eat.  He doesn't have to clean his plate.  We do campaign for Eli to taste everything, yet we try not to push too hard.  If we nudge a little and then leave him alone, he'll usually try a bite a few minutes after we suggest it.  If he doesn't like something, he doesn't have to eat it, but it has to stay on his plate.  Sometimes he fusses, wanting a food completely gone, yet later he'll forget and eat some.  Also, if something appears on his plate enough times, he'll often forget it is weird or unattractive and start liking it.  

I have to admit sometimes I hold my breath hoping Eli isn't going to reject a new dish when that's the main course, but I never play "short order cook" and bring out something else.  This policy (from Satter's book and my pediatrician) made for a few crazy meals early on.  I cook a lot of one-dish meals full of beans, whole grains, and veggies and there were times Eli fussed, trying to pick out flecks or chunks of this and that.  We ignored it.  (Sometimes while gritting our teeth.)  Eventually, he just gave up and ate.  Eli doesn't always eat as much of the veggies or mixed dishes as I'd like, but we're at the point where there's no veggie or dish he completely refuses.  He's also getting a lot of veggies in "stealth forms."  I can be very sneaky when I need to be.  (More on that later.)

Every kid is different.  Some parents produce veggie loving kids with very little effort while other parents can try every trick in the book with no luck.  I thought I'd share some of the tricks/tactics that helped us and I'd love to hear more from other mamas and papas!  I know kids go through lots of food trends and tics across childhood, so I'd love to put more ideas in my "Veggie-Lovin' Mama Toolkit"!  

This blog entry is getting a little long, so I'll just start with one idea and do a companion blog entry or two in a few days.

Idea #1:  Making Friends with the Color Green:
For a little while, Eli started balking at green foods.  Perhaps his taste buds for bitter finally developed and he recognized this taste in many green foods.  At any rate, I went looking for "happy green foods" and, at the advice of my nanny (who has a degree in nutrition!), made sure Eli had something green on his plate at each meal.  If nothing else, I sprinkled parsley flakes onto his food!  I am happy to say that it worked and Eli no longer seems to reject foods because of color.

"Happy Green Foods" -- Veggie Booty (all natural corn puffs flavored with vegetable powder), kale chips, Trader Joe's Roasted Seaweed Snack, guacamole, Snap Pea Crisps (dried, flavored pea pods), kiwi, white grapes, freeze dried green beans, spinach pasta, split pea soup, pesto sauce (although that has a strong flavor), and spinach tortillas. 

The photo above is of Eli rejecting spinach in July of 2010.  A year later, here he is scarfing down scrambled eggs liberally laced with spinach.  Woo hoo!

 

Click here to see post #2 of 3 about tots and veggies.

Click here to see post #3 of 3.

Happy Kids, Resilient Kids

Happy all the time?

 

When I lost my parents in my early twenties, their deaths sheared away the "bad things won't happen to me" mentality that so often comes with youth.  It was also a crash course in resilience.  Years later, once I felt my life was back on track (albeit a new track), I started volunteering at a hospice house in the hopes that I could be a small help to others facing loss.  Both experiences -- my own grief and watching others navigate similar waters -- gave me the chance to do a lot of thinking.  Some people die with such grace and even good humor while others go out figuratively (and sometimes literally) kicking and screaming.  Some loved ones share reluctant but tender goodbyes in the face of death while others bicker to the end or can't find their way out of feeling cheated.  In a nutshell, some folks are lessened by hard experiences while others become better people because of them.  Why?

Resilence is one of the greatest gifts my child could ever receive.  But how do I help Eli develop it?

I try to read parenting books from time to time to give myself food for thought and pick up a trick or two.  When more than one parent I trust and admire mentions a particular book, I take that as my cue to seek it out.  Thus I recently read Blessings of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel.  Ahhh.  I really loved this one.  The subtitle is "Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children."  I'm not Jewish, but there is so much here that transcends.  I recognized a lot of my upbringing in the book, even though my parents navigated an array of Christian experiences in their lifetimes.  Some of Mogel's themes include teaching gratitude, refraining from overprotecting, teaching the joys of hard work, and thinking of others.

I highly recommend the book.  And if you are interested but a whole book is too much at present, my friend Elisa recently shared an article from The Atlantic that has many of the same themes:  How to Land Your Kid in Therapy by Lori Gottlieb.  (Thanks, Elisa!)

One thing I would like to add, however, is that Gottlieb and others are quick to criticize steering children too much.  Yes, but I think wee ones have to actually learn and practice right actions before they are turned loose to make them on their own.  One of the greatest skills a parent can develop is how to effectively model and teach healthy, kind, and balanced actions and then know when to start turning more and more responsibility for those right actions over to their child.  Ahhh.  There's a tall order.  But I am convinced it is one of the ways children become responsible for their own lives and that leads to resilience.

House Rules

A friend recently shared the family rules she posted in her home.  I like the idea of that clarity.  Her boys are older, but I've been mulling over the ideas and tweaking them for when Eli (and his visiting buddies) can understand more...

USE KIND AND GENTLE HANDS
(No pushing, rough play, hitting, grabbing, etc.)

USE KIND AND GENTLE WORDS
(No name-calling, teasing, or potty words.  Using polite words like 'please' and 'thank you.'  Using a pleasant tone of voice.)

USE SELF-CONTROL
(Saving outside voice for outside, taking/using only what you need, showing your anger in a way that causes no damage.)

USE PATIENCE
(Wait without complaining.)

LEAVE THINGS AS GOOD OR BETTER THAN YOU FOUND THEM
(Clean up when you are done, put away what you borrow, be careful with other people's things.) 

 

I've got more mulling to do.  But thanks, Kristy, for sharing and letting me post!  (These rules started with a workshop at the preschool Kristy's boys attend.  The school is happy to share them, but I couldn't think of a way to credit them without revealing the area where we live -- a blogging no no for me.  But if you want to know more or want to see the original rules, please contact me.)

 

  

  

  

  

  

Toddler Mayhem, Part II

Part 2 of 2  (Click here for part one.)

            Yesterday I wrote about the four types of crazy behavior I've seen from toddlers -- fuss, fussfest, tantrum, and meltdown.  I said I'd share what is currently working at our house, so here goes....

            Regardless of the level I’m dealing with, I use some basic strategies.  Prevention is the foundation, making sure Eli’s basic needs are met – adequate sleep, healthy food at regular intervals, comfy clothes suitable for the weather, down time for solo play, frequent warm parent attention, etc.  I try to give him choices ("this one or that one") when I can because I believe that is also one of every human being's basic needs.  Distracting Eli is also a very helpful strategy.  You’d be surprised what dancing around the kitchen to a little Aretha Franklin can do!  (Don’t forget the backward dips.)  Empathy is another biggie.  When Eli is distressed, I try to figure out how he feels, letting him know I understand or at least am actively trying to understand.  I also quietly let him know how his behavior affects others.

            Once I’ve got the basic strategies covered, I find that thinking of the challenging behavior in one of those four types can be helpful.  Of all of them, though, the fussfest is the one I keep a sharp eye for; it lets me know we may be headed for the uglier behaviors at the top of the charts because it is rare for Eli to launch directly into full tantrums or meltdowns.  During my time working at a daycare, I learned fussfests are the dark clouds that mean something is brewing – overtired, hungry, overstimulated, getting sick, growth spurt, developmental jump, not enough consistency in parenting, etc.  Nowadays I’ve also learned to tread lightly when a fussfest has an overexcited energy to it and then Eli stops looking me in the eye when I try to work with him.  Take a deep breath, Mama, and welcome to meltdown!  Thank God that it can be a week or more between tantrums and months between meltdowns!

            Fusses are often best ignored.  If I feel I need to intervene, a calm and cheerful reminder of rules may do the trick, but adjusting things may help too – being jokey/silly, suggesting a new angle to the present activity, making Eli’s clothes more comfortable, stopping to give him some quality attention, etc. 

            When the fusses stack up into a fussfest, I know I need to slide into true problem solving mode.  I think back over the day to detect where it went wrong and figure out how I might put things back on track.  I ponder Eli’s health and possible developmental changes.  I start to consider altering my plans if I think Eli’s mood might adversely affect others or spiral out of control. 
            I also start thinking more about keeping family balance.  If I don’t try to make a fussfesty day more pleasant for myself then I stand a greater chance of losing my cool as the fussfest marches on.  (A friend taught me to visualize a thermometer and gauge how your patience level feels.  When you realize your “temperature” is creeping up, that’s your cue to be more mindful and use all your anger management strategies.)  I’ll put favorite music on, treat myself to a cup of tea, go get some fresh air with Little Guy, or take a break away from Eli if there’s somebody else to watch him.  If those don’t work, I calmly put him in his crib for a few minutes, explaining that we both need to reset our moods.  Then I’ll mute the baby monitor and take it with me for a quick walk around the back yard or such.  (I can see by the monitor lights if there’s a riot going on, but get a break from the sound.)  
            Sometimes on fussfest days I can get away with short writing sessions or take photographs while Eli plays between fusses.  Doing something creative puts my brain in a peaceful, "grown up" mode and restores my soul.  Thus all the blog entries!  And the blog is also connected to one more restorative act – commiserating with loved ones and other mamas.  Some blog entries are like signal flares shooting out a distress call that later ends in helpful discussions with people I care about and trust.  (Thank you!!!)  And what would I do without naptime emails and unlimited long distance?! 

            When we hit the “big time” of tot craziness – the tantrums and meltdowns – I find mindfulness is key.  For me to keep my cool, I need to be in the present moment rather than letting my feelings build because of earlier unpleasantness from my child.  I also need to put the future out of my mind so I’m not lamenting about how many hours are left until I get a break, worrying if this is the beginning of an ugly phase, or dreading the very real possibility that toddlerhood will get more and more intense.  Problem solving mode and looking at the big picture?  Yes.  Allowing the situation to feel charged with past or future bad behavior?  No. 
            Next, as with more minor behavior problems, I fix what I can fix.  I make sure Eli is safe, which may mean putting him in the car so he’s not loose in a parking lot or moving hard toys away from him so he doesn’t trip on them while he’s not paying attention.  If at all possible, I remove Eli from situations where he could bother others.  I think about triggers I can disarm.  Several of Eli’s worst spin-ups were partially caused by being too hot, yet sometimes he refuses to take off a beloved jacket.  There have been times I’ve carefully pinned down my shrieking child to peel off extra clothing and find he calms quickly thereafter.  It must look awful to by-standers, but it is worth it.  
            With a tantrum, I try to encourage Eli to use words to tell me what he wants.  I also try to reason with him in short sentences.  I know a lot of people scoff at reasoning with a toddler, but there are times it works amazingly well and how else is he going to eventually learn how to work his way through upset feelings?  With a meltdown though?  I save my breath because except for some quiet and repetitive soothing, my voice would be just one more sensory input adding to the overload.

            Once I’ve done what I could to help Eli during a tantrum or meltdown, I batten down the hatches until the storm passes.  I rub his hair or pat him now and then so he knows I care.  As they say, “Keep Calm and Carry On.”  Then my job is to make sure Eli doesn’t get rewarded for his poor behavior.  He does not get the object or food or activity he’s bucking for in such an ugly way.  This is really hard during tantrums because I know I’d gain peace if I gave in.  Yet I know that peace would be short-lived because I would have just taught my child that tantrums are effective.  Almost without exception, I’ve found sticking to my guns may make for a few unpleasant minutes or hours, yet I rarely have to fight the exact same battle again.  Not rewarding him for ugly behavior also goes for removing him from situations.  If we have to step out because he’s acting up, he has to stay in my arms rather than walk around or play.  Otherwise, freedom to explore would be a reward for acting up and become a tot strategy for leaving whenever he wanted.

            Common sense stuff, huh?  But the more organized I am in my thoughts, the better I'm able to think clearly when faced with tot craziness.  I wrote more about toddler discipline earlier this year.  I'd love input from other parents and caregivers!  I learned some helpful gems last time from blog readers.  Thanks so much!

 

Quite the Expression, Huh?

 

Thankfully, This One Was the Lead-In to a Belly Laugh!

 

 

A Field Guide to Toddler Mayhem

Part 1 of 2

 

Okay.  So my blog entries have been a little chirpy lately.  Springtime happiness!  But it makes it sound like we don't have toddler challenges around here.  Well, it is true that Eli is pretty easygoing.  Day after day can go by in fairly cheerful fashion.  I feel very lucky and can confidently say I love being a stay-at-home mom to my toddler.  Yet once in a blue moon....

Several months ago we were about forty-five minutes away from home at suppertime and thus ate out.  Eli refused to sit in a high chair, was constantly trying to get in and out of his booster seat with food-goopy hands, then took off running across the restaurant when the meal was over.  Thank goodness he didn't bother other diners, but we were worn down by the time the check arrived.  Halfway on the long drive home, Eli suddenly demanded to go back to the restaurant so he could sit in the high chair.  Yeah, right.  When he didn't get his wish, he started kicking his feet in the air while hollering "No!  No!  No!"  It was kinda funny...at first.  But the "No!" went on at the rate of about one per second for miles and miles.  Upon reaching home, getting him out of the car seat was like trying to pull a howler monkey out of its tree.  The bedtime routine was downright painful for two exhausted parents.  One-piece footie pajamas do not slide onto a little person who is arching his back and stiff as a board.  And unless you have some ether handy, you cannot brush the teeth of a toddler who refuses to open up.  Our twenty minute bedtime routine probably took an hour that night.  That, folks, was a meltdown.

I don't know how it is for everybody else, but around here there seem to be four levels of tot craziness...

A Field Guide to Toddler Mayhem

Fuss – A brief, low-level skirmish campaigning for or protesting against something.  Roll the dice to see what you’ll get this time -- whining, pining, balking, squawking….

Fussfest – A series of fusses.  Basically, a fussfest is a touchy bad mood that puts the crank in cranky because your toddler is starting to get wound up.  If you’re lucky, the fussfest is short-lived…but don’t count on it if your child is getting over a cold at the same time they’re hitting a growth spurt!

Tantrum – A fuss to the nth power.  Now you have a battle on your hands -- loud and dramatic.  For a lot of kids, communicating their displeasure turns more physical at this point.  Your tot may go rigid or go boneless so that you have to struggle to hold onto them.  Then again, they may cling to your knees like an octopus…except that octopuses don’t bellow.

Meltdown – This one is also a battle, but the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is your tot’s ability to reason in that moment.  Good parenting aside, a tantrum can be ended by complying with your child’s wishes.  Click!  Your satisfied (and perhaps smug) child is suddenly quiet and even cheerful, reminding you of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  With a meltdown, reason goes out the window.  Tots careen through demands, insulted when you offer them something they usually love or that they asked for a moment ago.  They call for one parent only to refuse them and holler for the other.  They suddenly pitch a fit over something they know they’re never allowed to do, over rules or conditions they’ve accepted for months.

Oy!  The two minor levels, fuss and fussfest, chip away at parents' sanity and our pleasant demeanor.  As for the two major levels, once a big tantrum or meltdown is over, tots are often light and cheery.  Their swollen raincloud released itself in a satisfying, thunder-and-lightning deluge, so now they head off to play.  Their parents, however are still drenched in emotion -- dripping bafflement, exhaustion, and anger.  Long after your child has forgotten the whole incident, you're still trying to figure out what you could have done differently and struggling to remember that tiny tyrant is just acting their age.

So why do I bother differentiating between bouts of toddler unpleasantness?  It's not that I think I can simplify living with a toddler or miraculously transform myself into a smarter mama.  But I found that by thinking through the differences, I could clarify strategies for each and that gave me a little more peace.  Visit the blog again tomorrow to see what seems to be working at our house.  If you are a parent, teacher, or part-time caregiver, I'd love to hear what you think about types of tot behavior as well as your strategies.  When it comes to toddlers, we grown ups have to stick together!  

(Post script -- I have to admit I feel a little guilty about the photo above.  Eli was four months old and didn't act cranky very often.  But I found the funny "Hello, My Name is Cranky Pants" onesie and wanted a picture, so I put it on him just about the time I knew he was due for milk.  Sure enough, soon his tummy was rumbly and I had the expression I needed for my photo.  Mean ol' mama!)

 

"What?  Me act crazy?!"

What Does a Toddler Have in Common with a Wine Cork?

 

Benjamin Hoff's The Tao of Pooh is one of those beloved books that moves from place to place with me, always earning its place on the shelf no matter how much thinning and discarding I do.

One morning not long ago I was trying to get Eli dressed, but he definitely had other ideas.  As I repeatedly tried to thread wiggly arms through tot-sized sleeves, a section from Hoff's book about "Wu Wei" popped into my head:  

"The Wu Wei approach to conflict-solving can be seen in the practice of the Taoist martial art of T'ai Chi Ch'uan, the basic idea of which is to wear the opponent out either by sending his energy back at him or deflecting it away, in order to weaken his power, balance, and position-for-defense."  (pg. 87)

Hoff explains that Wu Wei is like poking at a cork floating in water.  The harder you push it, the more it yields and the farther it goes under the water.  Yet the more it yields and goes under, the more energy it has when it rockets back to the surface.  That's simply because it is in the cork's very nature to float.  He says, "Without expending energy, the cork can easily wear you out."  Uh huh.  Sounds like a toddler to me.  

 

I have some days where I struggle to get Eli to comply only to realize he's too little to understand or care or have the self-control yet.  I'm just poking at a cork and he's got boundless toddler energy to bounce back.  There are some situations where I'm just going to wear myself out if I keep trying to get the same results the same way.  (And with a few of the adults in my life, I've got to remind myself that they are who they are.  Some people don't change no matter what the consequences.)

 

But the good news is that there are also some situations where I can refuse to let the naturally-occuring wild toddler streak get to me.  I'm the cork then.  As long as Eli is safe and isn't bothering other people, there are times when I can be resolutely cheerful, letting him wear himself out.  Every once in a while I remember to float at the right time and the day bobs along quite nicely despite a few waves.  So beautiful when that happens!

Parenthood.  A little cork know-how goes a long way.

Mama Shakabuku: Whew!

Part 8 of 8
Mama Shakabuku:  Whew!

(Click here if you'd like to start
with the first part of the series.) 

            For a long time, I was a Baby Boy Mama and Eli was a wee one not yet accountable in any way.  Since last autumn, I’m a Boy Mama and Eli is a wonderful, easygoing, and sweet little boy who nevertheless has a full range of needs and emotional responses that require compassionate, firm, consistent guidance.  It was a big shift for us.  I also realized that feeling confused, frustrated, and embarrassed as a parent is human and inevitable, yet the more I work to sort it out, the more peaceful and competent I am.

            I can see a lot of changes in Eli, too, since we made a first organized attempt to sort out discipline.  I had to lay the groundwork first, trying to figure out the best way to explain the rules to a toddler.  I had to “spoon feed” the ideas – small words, short sentences, pauses to let him absorb, lots of review.  I tried to show him by example even if I had to do silly puppet shows with stuffed animals to give him the idea. 

            Once I was pretty sure Eli understood a rule, next I had to be firm.  I found being consistent sometimes made for a whole afternoon of unpleasantness as he tested it.  Yet the next day the rule was almost invariably accepted (with a big sigh of relief from Mama).  I also found that quietly reminding Eli of the rules before we enter a situation works surprisingly well.  Before play dates, for example, I remind him about taking turns, sharing, and no pushing.  Now when I tell him we are on the way to play somewhere, he will often pipe up from the back seat of the car, “Take turns!  No pushing!”  I try to always let him know I’m pleased and proud when he is polite and kind.  And his behavior with others shows me these steps are making a real difference.  He hasn't pushed in months and does a pretty darn good job of sharing.  Yay!  Believe me, I’m not going to rest here because I’ve been told two-and-a-half and three-and-a-half are often the ages that bring real challenges.  There's always going to be some new crazy idea in a toddler's head.  But, like I said, we’ve made a start.

            If anybody has stuck with me through all these words about tot discipline, thank you!  I know that so much exploring and writing is quirky, but that’s the writer in me.  I’m still one more mama blundering along, but it did bring greater clarity.  It’s nice that I can then post what I learned.  There are so many aspects of parenthood that can feel isolating, so I treasure the chance to share and compare.  If you have comments (positive or negative) or ideas, I’d really welcome them to help me learn more. 

 

Mama Shakabuku: The Circle

Part 7 of 8
Mama Shakabuku:  The Circle

(Click here if you'd rather start
with the first post in the series.)

            Eli and I attend a tot music class led by an amazing teacher named Andy.  This woman is knowledgeable, funny, warm, and downright goofy enough to coax kids and parents past their inhibitions.  We gather in a circle, singing all sorts of tunes but also playing around with instruments, doing hand motions to songs, and dancing.  One of the first rules Andy taught us is that even if your kid won’t participate that day, you have to follow along with the group.  She explained that it is quite possible your kid is watching and absorbing even when you don’t think they are.  In addition, every adult is an example, basically a co-teacher, for the kids.  In fact, when your kid is sitting in your lap they are facing away from you and thus learn a great deal by watching the parents across the circle.

            The Circle is larger than music class.  If I am polite and respectful to others, Eli will see that and so will his friends.  On the other hand, if he acts up and I let it slide, he learns his bad behavior is acceptable and any kids watching learn the same lesson.  The friends and other parents I choose to hang out with have a similar impact on Eli.  At the beginning of last summer, I felt this idea was becoming more and more crucial to us and I ended up writing my way through my thoughts about parenting styles.  Mama-Shakabuku made it fresh again. 

        Toddlers range farther than babies do and when a group of parents come together with their tots, there’s far more interaction than there used to be.  I’m so thankful when I see another parent kindly, gently guide Eli when they are the closest at hand.  Sure, I still occasionally feel a tug of embarrassment, yet I know another adult stepping in to moderate Eli's interactions from time to time actually helps reinforce his growing ideas about kindness, consideration, and getting along with others.  

            I cannot control what Eli sees and experiences when we are on the playground, although I hope to thoughtfully react and guide him so that he learns good things even from negative interactions.  I can, however, choose to build and nurture a healthy circle of friends around us.  In time, I think Eli will understand that it inspires us to be better people when we have thoughtful friends with strong values.  It also brings peace and allows him to feel that there is great warmth to be found in the big world out there.  I’m so grateful to my mama and papa friends for modeling kindness, compassion, politeness, and balanced living!  It does take a village.  Many thanks!

 

Gratuitous Photo of Eli:  The Beloved Wooden Spoon 
Little Guy loves, loves, loves helping Mama in the kitchen but also noodling around in his play kitchen.  On a whim, I got Eli his own cheapo wooden spoon to keep with his toy pots and pans.  Man, does he love that thing!  He watches twenty minutes of Thomas the Tank Engine most days while I finish up supper and the other day I looked over to see him clutching his spoon while he watched. 

 

(I had to laugh when I looked at this photo more closely.  Chip, Pig-It, and Snowman joined Eli in his chair, but Pig-It must have been frightened out of his wits by those steaming, whistling train engines.  He couldn't even bear to watch and turned his back on the whole show.)

Click here for the last installment in the series.